I have been a practicing therapist for the last nine years. In this time, I have met and counselled people across cities, situations, life stages, and roles. Progress in therapy depends on a number of factors, but I’ve noticed that a high marker is how aligned one is to values. As the technical advisor to Unstuck, I thought I would pen down why I feel values are important.
First, what are values?
In my view, values can simply be anything that helps you live a meaningful life. It could be a word, phrase, idea or even an image. Some examples that I have seen in my own practice, from those who made successful career pivots (values in bold)
Someone who shifted a career in management to being a chef: “To add to the joy of celebrations through good food”
Someone who moved from advertising to coaching: “The commercial aspects of my job were soul-deadening to me. I wanted to indulge my creativity, have a lot more freedom and above all help people be their best selves”
Someone who pivoted to film-making after her BCom: “I want to tell compelling stories that make an impact on people. Cinema is the most powerful medium to reach a mass scale”
Why are values important?
Long back, mariners used to navigate the high seas, plotting their course by the stars. The Pole Star - the true north - would act as a reference point. Values are like your Pole Star, pointing you to your true north. They give you a reason to live, to persist in the face of setbacks, to trust the process and stay the course without being side-tracked by outcomes - to grow, learn and thrive over your lifetime.
Here are three ways I’ve found values to be helpful if you are feeling stuck:
Values build courage
Transitions or new experiments can be hard. You can get discouraged, results may not come by quickly, and the security of the familiar always pulls you back. In such situations, values empower you to exercise choice
intentionally and consistently. This enables persistence and focus - in the face of disbelief and doubts - of others and of self. To tie it back to the mariner analogy, values fuel your sense of autonomy - you are the “captain of your ship, master of your soul”.
Values enable grit - a factor shown to be more predictive of achievement than IQ, qualifications or experience. Angela Duckworth - who has researched this topic - speaks about the concept of grit in her bestselling book and TED talk.
Values attract the right people
There is a popular saying that you are the average of the people you spend time with the most. Values are good gatekeepers to who those are.
Values signal to you - and the world - why you do what you do. They say why someone should buy your services, follow your Substack, join your startup, or just hang out with you. Values do so in a way that tells your story in your own unique voice. It cannot be replicated - providing distinctiveness that draws clients, collaborators and partners to you. Why? Because people relate to those that embody the values that they themselves aspire to.
Values motivates lasting contribution
They keep you effortlessly striving for excellence - even when others may think you have arrived.
To be clear, values are not goals. They cannot be achieved - only striven for. The journey is the destination. This ensures you are never tired - each day is yet another opportunity to make an impact, a contribution that outlives your temporary stay on Earth. As Jim Collins' research has indicated, values create a legacy, build an institution, lend character and are built to last.
All this might sound a little theoretical, so let me give you a couple of real-life composite examples from my own experience.
How a “failed CA” became a successful therapist
A CA had decided to become a therapist. But there were several barriers: He found himself lagging behind the psychology classes he attended - the concepts, skills and knowledge imparted here were very different than what he had built a lifetime developing. He was ~25 years older than his batch average. He was worried about income and the subsequent impact on his lifestyle, and whether he could attract clients at all. Would clients see him as a “failed CA”? Moments of discouragement, scepticism from ex-colleagues and challenges of cash-flow haunted him. Unlearning proved to be much tougher than learning new skills.
In those moments of darkness, he reminded himself about why he began this new journey. His values were compassion, healing and self-actualisation.He would often tell himself, “I want to be that healing space for those hurt by life. I never had that when I most needed it. I don’t want anyone to go through that terrifying loneliness I experienced. If I can wipe the tears of even one person contemplating suicide or prevent even one couple from divorce - it would be worth it!”
This self-talk helped him stay the course - today he has a flourishing practice, a waiting list of clients and offers workshops to individuals and corporates.
A Big Four consultant turned musician
A client was a management consultant with a Big Four firm. But her heart was in music - she trained early, but eventually would choose the beaten path. She felt out-of-place in the consulting world despite being placed on Day 1 as an under-grad. She chose to break away and become a singer - not playback but live performances.
When we worked on her values, they came out to be: Power through music; relational-energy; music; creativity.
She would tell me, "I love the energy I can generate in an audience. I can sense what they want. I can make their energy shift through my songs. That is a high I can never get from anything else. Money, fame and status are by-products but the real high is seeing what I can do to an entire hall of people though my singing and performance”
Currently on the path of shaping her career, she is actively looking for sponsors and on building her own image. The going is hard - not everyone is encouraging, gigs are not coming in easily, there are high expenses... But she keeps saying, “this is what I am meant to do. I will die but I will keep singing and performing till I make it big as a performer”
I have chosen these examples as I feel they may be indicative of many who are considering Unstuck. I have worked with Chuck and Utsav as they have designed the program, and I feel the emphasis on finding one’s values itself will be worth it. If you are taking part in Unstuck, I wish you all the best for designing and actioning a life lived with intention - values are a great North Star to do that.
Written by Vijay Gopal
Therapist, Mumbai
Vijay acts as the technical advisor to Unstuck.